In san diego and it’s no better.  Realization that I hate the bar scene.  You’re an idiot!  Not me – that other guy.  Yeah, whatever.  You’re not so much better yourself, for that matter.  I’m reading the fountainhead right now, and it’s really not helping.  FU ayn rand – I love you.  I love it – it’s me – but it’s not helping.  I’m doing more at work and feeling happy about it – split ip was a success – Hawaii was really nice – but the bar scene is just as bad as ever.  I simply can’t turn off my brain.  I think, I think, I think.  And the rest just seem to go with the flow – and not a good flow at that.  I hear the jazz and it’s good.  The tenor sax is there.  I applaud.  The soprano sax is even there and I even applaud at that – I hate the soprano sax.  But it’s played so well and I can appreciate a good performance. 
Smoking and I shouldn’t judge.  Are you serious?  Smoking is for fools.  Whatever.  If that’s what you really believe fine.  Whatever.  No, I won’t say that – I won’t do that – that’s stupid.  Barrio Logan was last week – I was in Hawaii lying on the beach.  Whatever.  No worries – I’m 30 now – that’s when I said I would quit.  Tomorrow is the Bakersfield master’s state champs road race.  Whatever.  Who cares anymore.  It’s not my game anymore to play.  My game has come to an end.  The clock goes tick, tick, tick.  If I was only back in engl 1002 I would have gotten an A.  And I did?  The gpa was boosted.  Only I would care about something so trite.  Whatever.  Blah, blah, blah.  Nothing new.  Been there since forever and nothing really seems new.

But does it?  Been to france.  Been back.  And now I’ll go back to france?  For work?  How ridiculous.  I didn’t ask for it – I didn’t expect it – but I’ll take it.  Maybe I’ll take a hiatus after the work trip just to prove a point.  Mucha is different.  Always has been, always will be.  A hard worker, but a hard player too.  not in the conventional club sense, but in the nonconventional F to the whole world I need my space sense.  A harsh reality but I finally have the means.  Give a man the means and you better watch out.  Any liberal prof would applaud – would be in awe – the rest of the world – they scratch their heads in wonder.  Why not make your money?  Why not have a child?  Why not seed your life?  No.  It’ll all come in time and no sooner.  FU world – I’ll make my own way.

Tomorrow I learn to surf.  Been living in san diego for almost 6 years now and never really been in the surf.  Sure, there was that time last summer, but I didn’t really go through with it.  Why?  Dunno, but it just wasn’t there.  I guess I was working too much...  But now I’ve got the vavi sign up and I’ve got sat and sun for 2 weeks straight.  Last lesson on my 31^st birthday – may 18.  Stupid.  Ridiculous.  Awesome.  yes, I’ll finally embrace the sport of the kings.  The sport of the beach.  The sport of san diego.  Only took me 5.8 years.  Yeah, I’m a slow one sometimes, but I’m a persistent one.  I have my own schedule.